I know what it's like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but can't.
This Weight Loss Buddy is : Offline
This Buddy last logged in at 01-09-2009
Birthday: Hidden or not set up
This is my story
Like many of the stories here weight issues have been something which has always been part of my life right from a young age. My earliest memories seem to involve school doctors telling me that I was fat etc..... and this was back in the day when things like being politically correct and sensitivity weren't important. In fact all through my school life I dreaded recieving a summons to the school doctor. It must have been a regular thing until I was about 15 and finally summoned up the courage to say I wasn't going to see anyone any more. It certainly didn't help my teacher announcing to the entire class I had a letter to see the school doctor and how strange it was no one else should have one. I just knew they all knew why I had got the letter. All those years I can't once recall being given any advice or help, just being told I was fat and needed to lose weight.
Like many I was bullied at school, an easy target. I got more and more depressed, finding comfort in food until one day when everything changed that. One of my best friends became anorexic, life was difficult for her at home with her parents splitting up. One day the head of year summoned me to her office and said "Jxxx isn't eating. She's anorexic and we (still don't know who this "we" was) think it is because of you and she thinks that by not eating she will help you lose weight." Naturally I was shocked and upset. Had my weight problem really made my best friend anorexic? I blamed myself and immediately stopped eating at school or in front of anyone, especially Jxxx. I think I thought that if she didn't see me eating she wouldn't feel the need to starve herself. It wasn't long before not eating during the day turned into binging when I got home at night, that in turn gave way to feelings of replusion and failure when I tried on so many occassions to make myself sick afterwards, but never managed it. This also marked the beginging of a long battle against self harm, a problem I still find myself trying to deal with today. It was only 5 years or so later Jxxx found out what this teacher had said to me and was shocked and upset and said her eating disorder had never been anything to do with me, but about how she felt about her life and stuff that was going on. By then it was too late our friendship had more or less crumbled away to nothing and I haven't seen her for the best part of 6/7 years. I rejoiced the day I left that school, I often wonder if it hadn't been for the stuff that happened there how differently my life would have turned out. The sad thing is, that hurts me more than anything is when I look back at old photo's of myself back then whilst I was overweight, I was in no way the grotesque monster pupils and some teachers and the school doctor had me believe I was. If I had recieved proper help and support back then maybe I wouldn't be in the situation I am today where losing weight feels like something other people achieve.
My last attempt at losing weight was about a year ago. All went well for about 10 months. I'd actually cut out bread, butter/marg, and sugar al together as well as giving up my crisp obsession. lol. I found I got incredibly bored and disheartened with the seemingly slow progress (although people did comment I had lost weight) also it felt a very lonely time. This is one of the reasons I signed up to this website in the hope of having a support network of people who understand what it's like to have weight problems from experience.
Sorry my tale is so long-winded. Glad we've got diaries now we can keep on here lol.
